New Financial Terms

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

BLUE CHIP – A frozen uncooked vegetable you find at the back of the freezer, your standard fare for the next 12 months.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

DERIVATIVE – A biscuit often made with a chocolate coating on one side only.

EBIT -- Earnings before irregularities and tampering.

EBITDA -- Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.

EQUITY -- A chance to be treated unfairly by bigger shareholders.

ESOP – A collection of fables.

EX DIVIDEND -- Last year's cheque.

EXCEPTIONAL ITEMS – Last year’s accounting magic slightly reworked for this years accounts.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

GAAP -- The difference between accounting book value and reality.

GEARING -– What you need when you get on your bike to look for your next career move.

HEDGING -- Your next career move.

IFRS -– International Fantasy Reporting Standards.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

MARK TO MARKET -– Throw away.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

MOODY -- A Financial Planner who is about to be come an Institutional Investor.

NAV -- Normalized Andersen Valuation

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

RIGHTS ISSUE -- The right to buy more of a share that you were trying to sell.

SSAP – Accounting rules for ssuckers.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

VAR – Value and run.

WINDFARMS – A collective investment scheme powered by warm air.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

WINDOWS VISTA -- What you see before you jump.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

YIELD – Give up and go home.